remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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