just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Enjoy the penises
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
