Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
