i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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