where am i from again
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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