Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
