I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
organizing the empties. That sober.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize