I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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