I think my fart just growled at me.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
