Only a mothe r could love this liver
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize