Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
