i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
You dont lie about slip and slides
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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