Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I want to fling myself into the sun
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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