I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Randomize
