I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
