Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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