got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
this beer tastes like vomit already
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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