It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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