Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
