a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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