He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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