I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
