i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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