I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
