Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Randomize
