I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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