using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
