Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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