He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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