I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
