I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Randomize
