She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
