dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
