For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
