Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
