My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
We talked him into tasing himself.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
