dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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