Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
