The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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