I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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