When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
