It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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