I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
