if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
