No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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