can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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