he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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