the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
