need another drink. this is the easiest way
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
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