i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
