do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
