you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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