just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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