tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
