WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
