Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
