Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
He shit in the fireplace
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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